Its no fucking secret that I’m an emotional mess. My disorder has never been so prominent than it has in the last year and a half, and because of my actions I’v lost most of my mind and all of my friends. I’ve gained stories, experiences, heartache, creativity, and about 15 pounds. I’ve always said, I love heartache because I get super creative, super thin, and super reckless. I love it. But now I know that that was just my mania, a breakup made me venture out of reality, forget my responsibility, and just not give a fuck about anything. Everything was raw and real. I feel most alive when I feel like shit, adventurous shit.
Although what I’ve gained doesn’t really balance out the losses, I’m grateful that most days I believe in new beginnings . I struggle with motivation every day, its very hard for me to give a shit about what I look like. I often feel as though their isn’t a point to most aspects in my life, I go back and forth between feeling like I’m capable of great things and I need to start now, I have this crazy sense of FOMO, like time is just teasing the shit out of me and I’ll never catch up. The other thing is feeling like everything I do is complete crap and isn’t worthy of anyone’s gaze so why waste everyone’s time? Alot of times I feel like an untalented girl with an artists temperament. Tantrums included. I constantly judge my artwork before I even put anything on the page. I literally look at a blank page of endless possibilities and say “this is gonna be complete garbage”. I dabble in everything that interests me, just enough to see if I can do it but not enough to gain any actual skill from it…and definitely before I can fail at it.
Controlling my mood is going to be good for me but I cant help but mourn the loss of my mania. High as hell on life and sleep deprivation, mix in some alcohol and I have a cocktail of equal parts tears and laughter with a cigarette butt garnish. I’ve began taking serolequel at a really low dose, but the effects were there from the jump. It had knocked me out like a tranquilizer, my dreams were vivid and so entertaining, I was ridiculously groggy and unfocused the next day. I had slept so much, like maybe 20 hours of sleep. Going to work was a really bad idea and I had a complete breakdown, I think just stress and the pill had made my emotions much more exposed. I was crying alot and had left work early to just wander the streets, a passing car threw something at my feet which made me just lose it, ended up on a curb of a busy street trying to get the courage to walk into traffic. My mom found me an hour later, half asleep and sobbing.
I got less groggy on the fourth day but my mom was still frustrated with me and said a lot of hurtful things that I’ll never shake. She has apologized, but the thing with my brain is that it locks down on hurtful things said to me. I tell myself I ruin everything, I’m a burden, I’m worthless daily. When someone I trust and love says to me exactly what my brain tells me, everything is just emphasized. Proving my horrible brain right. As soon as someones hurtful thought becomes real and exposed, its permanent for me, and my brain will always have that ammo against me. As a kid I’ve always identified as an accident and a mistake, I figured I felt like I’ll never belong because I was never supposed to be here. Then I got older and I held on to the idea of being accidentally reincarnated, someone in the underworld just let me slip back in and probably got fired or transferred to another department. I don’t know why I always feel out of place or if I’ll stop feeling that way.
Now I’m at work and its day number 5, still a little hard focusing and I have a light headed sensation, but I think thats due to taking the pill on a full stomach and not getting the knock out sleep I usually get. I made a little more effort in appearance than usual, so I’m glad about that. Other than that I’m not feeling much, mostly sleepy. I just want to go home and get in bed…but I know I should go to the gym or paint or draw or write or clean or play with my cat. but as of 5.45 PM I have no energy for any of that.